shimmery footsteps

In pictures

Coffee on the kitchen sink, Canon EOS Kiss Digital X

Once upon a time I cherished long, slow cups of coffee nearly every morning, whether in front of the computer, with the newspaper, or next to my pen and journal. And always in silence. 

Nowadays if I am in my apartment at all, it is mostly just to change my clothes. Coffee is more of an accompaniment while I get ready, on the side and rarely finished. On better days I take a moment to drink it at the kitchen sink. Usually with my three favorite loud guys on the radio keeping track of the time. 

Just the thought of being here at night is surprisingly cold and stale. I have gotten used to "returning" to a place with the presence of the person I love. Even when he is not there, the assurance of his return is. That kind of warmth is hard to replace.

 

An outtake from the Self Portrait-a-Day Project, Canon EOS Kiss Digital X

In my work neighborhood, Canon EOS Kiss Digital X

After days of washed out gray days devoid of color, sunshine felt like a true miracle today.

Uncharacteristically

Temperatures rose uncharacteristically today for this time of year just like the weather forecasts predicted. Only a few steps in towards the train station my coat felt too heavy and gloves and scarf out of season. My internal rhythm picked up a beat and made me want to start humming. I felt a surge of something run through me and after a while I realized : a sense of hope. That maybe something good will happen. That a positive change may come about. All this because I felt spring in the air on this uncharacteristically warm day in January. 

Whether spring arrives this year early or not, I will be perfectly content if I can maintain the happiness of my current life. The question may be where I will be or what I'll be doing, but as long as the source of my happiness stays the same (with who), spring can arrive just when it's supposed to.

I am also genuinely appreciating the simple but great pleasures of functioning normally after being plagued by a nasty cold last week. 

I am my own woman

From the Self Portrait-a-Day project (the photos currently appear stretched out on the main page. Typepad is working on the problem.)

I made a spur-of-the-moment decision last night and found myself hiking up Takao San (Mount Takao) today. This kind of spontaneity is certainly a perk of being a freelancer.

This last minute trip was in part a treat to myself to get away from the city and its sizzling concrete, to be surrounded by mother nature. To walk amongst and smell the trees, to listen to the slower pace, to sweat the good kind of sweat.

I also took this trip in hopes to blow away some of the muck I've felt inside recently. As I wrote in my last entry, despite the many blessings and good things happening in my life lately, I have felt a consistent underlying layer of yuckiness (I don't know how else to describe it). A friend's friend calls it her "ugly period" and I couldn't agree more. No matter what I do I don't feel 100% on the outside (which ends up affecting the inside). The clothes don't fit, the hair won't listen. During this summer bargain period, I feel like I've invested so much time in looking, shopping, only to find nothing. It all sounds a bit silly but it has a daunting effect on a woman's psyche. And just because my life is going so well, this state confuses me even more. It's something I can't quite put a finger as to why and I just have to guess. Is it because my body is going through changes of the early 30's? Are my hormones going through another whirlwind? Is this all natural and will it eventually go away??

This spontaneous trip was my attempt to remind myself that I am still capable of being my own woman, the confident, strong, tender, beautiful, sweet, caring, smart woman that I am. And just like my Freewill Astrology horoscope for this week said, "...Proceed according to the hypothesis that the beautiful thing you want to create is embedded in stuff that's hiding its true nature, and your job is simply to liberate it from what's extraneous," I have to simply liberate that woman out of the muck and weight that is covering it right now. The muck and weight I created myself.

So this is what I did, the day before my 32nd birthday. Just the fact that I did this seems to have liberated that woman significantly. 

When my heart is sitting heavy

The recent quiet is due to the rather hallow and blue state I've been in. It is hard to break the silence during times like these, and in the end, rather than revealing the ugly truth or trying to cover it up, silence always tends to win.

But the following words by Danny Schmidt came to mind today, and I would like to borrow them to break the silence. They were quoted in my Freewill Astrology horoscope a few weeks back. These are the kind of words I want to copy on to a piece of paper, by hand, then trace the letters over and over again. 

...I believe in restless hunger

I believe in red balloons

I believe in private thunder

In the end I do believe

I believe in inspiration

I believe in lightning bugs

I believe in slow creation

In the end I do believe

I believe in ink on paper

I believe in lips on ears

I believe what's shared is savored

In the end I do believe

I believe in work on Sundays

I believe in raising barns

I believe in wasting Mondays

In the end I do believe

I believe in intuition

I believe in being wrong

I believe in contradiction

In the end I do believe

I believe in living smitten

I believe all hearts will mend

I believe our book is written

By our company of friends

---From "COMPANY OF FRIENDS" by Danny Schmidt

Yellow

Yellow in Kitakyushu last month

A yellow logo on a door.
A yellow car.
A yellow sign.
A yellow license plate.
A yellow motorcycle.
The yellow "k" of sunkus (convenience store).
A yellow hazard sign.
A yellow pole.

All within a minute or so, within the length of about 50 meters.

Such small coincidences, such subtle detail, yet adding a significant zing to my step, a boost to my morning.

Did you find any color synchronization in your day today??
(I ended up seeing yellow all over the place throughout the day!)

Too much

All that recent talk about Shakes and now the reality in China. It is a bit unnerving. For any of you looking for ways to help and are in Japan, here is the Japan Red Cross link for donations. The situation in Burma is also devastating. It is frustrating to hear about the military getting in the way of international aid. I have chosen to donate to the International Burmese Monks Organization through Avaaz. Prayers to the victims. It looks so cold and rainy in both China and Burma -- I wish it would at least stop raining.

Shakes

Patterned wall in Shichirigahama, Canon EOS Kiss Digital X

Earthquake-related conversations in the last two days:

Conversation 1:
(Two days ago on Wednesday, towards the end of the day)
Me: ...Oh! Did you feel that? Was that an earthquake?

Boss: ...Uh...no. That is probably your inner earthquake all excited about your date tonight.

Me: Ha ha... I wish.

Conversation 2:
(less than an hour later, a colleague and I board a train to go home. But the train doors remain open. An announcement follows saying there had just been an accident a few stations down and that the whole train line will stop moving for an undertermined period. After contemplating, we decide to share a cab to Shinjuku.

It takes us a while to just get out of the station, for the one staff member that looked bored a few minutes ago is suddenly inundated with commuters trying to get back out without having boarded a train and need their electronic passes scanned so the machine will read it.

Once we are outside, we lose once cab after another to other commuters.)

Colleague: Did you know that if we were to experience a major earthquake, the streets will be packed as a rush hour train? We will barely be able to walk.

Me: (Remembers stories from friends in NYC who had similar experiences walking home on 9/11.)

Later on that night, a significant earthquake. It shakes for a while.

Conversation 3:
(during lunch yesterday, talking about the earthquake)

Friend: I actually brought out my emergency bag last night.

Me: Wow, you actually have an emergency bag?

Friend explains what she has stored in her bag: first-aid kit, granola bars, water, old clothes, lightweight thermal blanket, toilet paper, sanitary napkins, old glasses (because she wears contacts)...
She says her bag is based on a list distributed by the French embassy (she is French).
It gets me thinking that I really need to prepare one too.

And now, this morning. Two small earthquakes in a row. Inspires me to write this blog entry.

Does this all mean something? All this talk about earthquakes (the big one we are all afraid of), followed by actual (although small) earthquakes.

I hope not.

Not bad

bills Shichirigahama

bills Shichirigahama

Beach, coffee, dessert, wine, conversation.

Not a bad way to spend the last day of Golden Week.

Not bad at all.

All this beauty

All this beauty
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
All this beauty, we traveled all night
we drank the ocean dry
And watched the sun rise

---The Weepies, "All This Beauty"

Yes, there is beauty all around. For instance...

The first beam of sunlight after nonstop rain.

Lush, moist greenery bursting in multiple shades.

Flower petals scattered in beautiful patterns on the pavement.

The gentle fading in and out of a nap.

Scent of a fresh grapefruit that lingers for hours.

...There is "all this beauty", so much beauty, always, if I allow myself to see it. But currently I feel I'm a bit in the dark to fully be able to take it all in, to fully appreciate it all. I'm a bit sad.

But this sadness is all coming from a good place.

I am sad because my recent 2-week job with the crew from France ended up being one of the most fun jobs I've worked on in a while. After pretty much laughing nonstop for 2 weeks with the wonderful team of people, the sudden quiet is proving extra hard to get used to.

I also recently met a person, another person to add to my list that I couldn't make mine. All this lust and desire that doesn't go anywhere... I'm starting to wonder if this is going to be the story of my life.

But these factors of sadness are just sources of happiness in disguise. I am so lucky to have met and worked with those people that I am now missing dearly. And I am also lucky to have someone to think about and yearn for in the first place. I know all this, just like I know of all the beauty around me that exists in every waking moment.

I hope I can start seeing it all again soon.

(On a side note, I have been able to see the beauty in The Weepies's new album. I am falling madly in love.)

Back in the game

A date that was neither good nor bad.
What to make of that?

A date where the players did nothing wrong.
There were no particular awkward moments, outrageous comments, offensive behavior, or bogus table manners. (No funny stories or jokes to come out of this one!)
He was very nice, attractive, polite.

...But there was no chemistry. 

In a way, this is the worst kind of disappointment.

And as much as I claimed I wasn't expecting much or wasn't that attracted to this guy...

I talked too much.
My voice was unnaturally high.
I felt like I was trying too hard.

Looking back on that makes me cringe a little. This is all due to the fact that I have been out of the dating game for a very long time. But yesterday was my first step in getting myself back out there again, to at least try. (And then I can complain about still being single.) And I find myself not discouraged and willing to try again and again, however awkward or silly or meaningless some of it may feel because otherwise I won't get anywhere. Therefore I give myself a gold star.

It's that time of the year again

It's that time of the year again when all they talk about on the news is:

"The predicted kaika (bloom) dates of cherry blossoms will be announced soon!"
to...

"The predicted kaika dates around the nation are announced!" (the usual sun/cloud/rain marks replaced with pink flowers on the map of Japan)
to...

"The kaika date for (insert your area here) now seems like it will be even earlier than predicted because of the unexpected warm temperatures..."
to...

"The kaika of cherry blossoms has officially been announced!" (cut to an awkward meteorologist saying in front of the camera, "The cherry blossoms are now officially in bloom.")
to...

"Since we are predicting rain on Sunday, Saturday will be the perfect day for hanami (to go enjoy the cherry blossoms)."
to...

"The cherry blossoms in (insert your area here) are now mankai (full bloom)!"
to...

"The drop in temperatures tomorrow may actually work in favor for it will make them (cherry blossoms) last longer..."
to...

"I hope today's rain won't make all the petals fall off of the cherry blossoms...."

and so on.

Just in case you're wondering, many trees were in or near full bloom in Tokyo yesterday but I woke up to rain this morning. So I'm scared to see what that's done to our precious trees. I'm even more scared for the weather forecasters for they will now have nothing to talk about.

The Weight

It happened all of a sudden.
The peace within myself
That was always a given,
A matter of fact,
Suddenly crumbled.
I was used to having myself on my side,
In whatever circumstance, situation,
Because in the end,
I would back myself up no matter what.
Mistakes, faults, imperfection---
We were past that.
It was unconditional love
At its best.

I don’t know when things started going wrong.
I have no idea
What brought on this sudden hostility,
This sense of rejection,
That nothing I do is ever right any more.
Nothing is good enough.
I am the ugliest person in the world.
I am alone than ever,
And I say,
It’s your fault, all your fault.

I try to brush it off.
I try to think positively,
Something I’ve always been good at.
But without me on my side
It’s all meaningless.
And I don’t know how to bring back the peace
How to make things right again,
Just the way they naturally were.

Not quite yet spring

Not quite yet spring on this Spring Equinox Day (national holiday) here in Japan.

I enjoyed walking in the rain today though.

I hope the weather forecasts are correct and the sun returns this weekend so I can finally do some laundry. (And put away my winter clothes!)

Warm

driving with the windows down.
smelling the trees.
feeling the late afternoon sun
dissolve to dusk.
farmer's markets and barbeques
grass stains on naked toes.
a song on the radio
you can't help sing along to.
thoughts that come and go
with the breeze and passing scenery
in between opening and closing of eyes.

It was unusually warm in Tokyo today. (19 C/ 66 F).

I have a page in my journal reserved for "Warm fuzzy flashbacks or imaginary moments inspired by them" and I found myself writing the above.

Days like this always remind me of the first days of spring in Ithaca (New York), where I went to college and the winters were long and harsh. As soon as the temperatures started hitting the 50's (10 C) people would start wearing shorts. While snow was still on the ground. And there would be this unbelievable euphoria in the air that was so strong and contagious all over campus. That was when I would realize just how many people went to my school, because literally everyone would be outside. Frisbees would be flying, hacky sacks would be kicked around, drum circles would form and grins were abound. I don't think I've experienced anything quite like that ever since.

But on days like today, I always remember those first spring days in Ithaca. (and get hit by the urge to skip over spring and put on my shorts!)

Raspy

I seem to have caught a little cough in the last day or two.
And apparently it sounds much worse than how it feels, because people kept saying things to me today like,
"I hope you feel better,"
"Get a lot of sleep,"
and "Are you okay?"

Yes, I am okay. Actually I'm even liking this slightly beat-up, raspy voice of mine.
I may sound a bit like a hyena when I laugh, but when I sing along to Amy Winehouse I sound awesome.

...He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown,
And in this grey, in this blue shade,
My tears dry on their own...

As I sing along I find myself wishing to fall in the kind of love that Amy's songs inspire.
I don't even know if that's possible. Her songs remind me young, raw, vulnerable, yet fearless love. (Lying underneath all the booze and drugs of course.)
The kind of love that perhaps can only be experienced at a certain age.

But if anything this long period of being single has made me ready,
has made me want to open up,
and I'm not even scared of the possibility of falling hard,
whether it ruins me,
consumes me,
tears me up,
I'd rather be vulnerable and be hurt and spent,
than to live within my guarded protected walls.

I think I am just that hungry.